IGMT 010: Stop Playing Middleman for Your Athlete


Hey Reader!

I was at a game the other day, watching one of the young women on the team sitting on the sidelines, clearly frustrated. Her body language said it all—arms crossed, eyes glued to the ground, avoiding any interaction with her coach. As the game went on, I overheard a parent asking the coach why their daughter wasn’t getting more playtime.

And that’s when it hit me.

We’ve all heard it before: “Your daughter needs to learn how to advocate for herself—talk to the coach, not you!” It’s the advice we throw around as if it’s a simple fix, a magic key to better communication. But here's the reality: how can we expect young women to speak up for themselves when no one has taught them how? We tell them to take charge of their own experience, but we don’t give them the tools, the confidence, or the guidance to do it.

So, there she is—sitting on the bench, feeling overlooked and uncertain about how to even start the conversation, while "advocating for yourself" becomes just another concept that doesn’t quite stick.

Self-advocacy is a crucial skill, especially for female athletes, but it’s not something that just magically happens when we tell them to “speak up” or “ask for what you want.” It’s like expecting someone to jump into a deep end without teaching them how to swim. If we really want young athletes to advocate for themselves, we need to give them the tools, the space, and the support to build that skill.

First, let’s acknowledge that for many young women, advocating for themselves isn’t just about speaking up during a game or at practice. It’s about finding their voice in an environment that can sometimes feel intimidating or even dismissive. Think about it—sports often come with a culture of toughness, and as a result, athletes may feel like they need to stay quiet, follow orders, and not rock the boat. This is especially true in team settings where coaches may not always recognize the individual needs of every player, or where players feel the weight of expectations from their parents, teammates, and even themselves.

But here’s the catch: without the opportunity to practice self-advocacy, many female athletes will internalize this culture of silence, leaving them stuck in frustration and confusion. They’ll sit on the sidelines, thinking they’re not good enough or not deserving of attention, all because they’ve never been shown how to speak up for themselves in a constructive, confident way.

So, how do we fix this? How do we create an environment where athletes feel empowered to advocate for themselves?

The first step is to foster a sense of ownership. Athletes need to feel like their voice matters, and that their feedback, concerns, and needs are valuable. As coaches, we can open up more avenues for communication—whether it’s having regular one-on-one check-ins or creating a safe space during team meetings where players can share their thoughts. When we ask athletes what they want to work on or how they’re feeling about their role on the team, we’re not just giving them a chance to be heard; we’re also teaching them that their perspective is important.

The second step is modeling effective self-advocacy. Instead of just telling players to speak up, show them how it’s done. Share examples from your own experiences where you had to speak up, whether it was for a teammate, yourself, or a larger cause. It’s about showing that advocating for yourself isn’t just about being bold—it’s about being clear, respectful, and proactive. If we demonstrate these behaviors, athletes will begin to feel more comfortable doing the same.

The third step is to give athletes opportunities to practice. This means putting them in situations where they can start to find their voice in smaller, low-pressure moments. For example, during a practice, ask an athlete to share what they think is working or what they feel could improve. Or, if they’re feeling frustrated with a specific drill or their progress, encourage them to communicate it in a positive, productive way. These small victories build confidence and create a foundation for them to eventually take those skills to bigger, more high-stakes situations.

Finally, it’s important to remember that advocating for oneself is a skill that takes time to develop. As coaches, parents, and mentors, we must be patient and consistent in our approach. We can’t expect athletes to turn into confident self-advocates overnight, but with intentional support and practice, we can help them get there.

I remember a time when my daughter was struggling on the volleyball court. She was always quiet and never really spoke up when she was frustrated. One day, after a practice where she barely played, she said, "Dad, I don’t know if they even know what I’m capable of."

That hit me hard. She wasn’t asking for more playtime, just wanting to be heard. I realized that I couldn’t expect her to advocate for herself if I hadn’t shown her how.

So, we worked together—role-playing conversations with coaches and discussing how to ask for feedback and set boundaries. Over time, she found the courage to ask her coach for feedback, and it made all the difference. She wasn’t waiting to be noticed anymore—she took charge of her own development.

That experience taught me that advocating for yourself is a skill that needs practice and patience. If we want young athletes to advocate for themselves, we need to equip them with the tools and create a space where they feel supported in doing so.

Until next time, remember: You’ve got this! Go out there and advocate for yourself—whether it’s on the field, in life, or at the coffee shop. The world needs your voice.

For more resources such as blogs, vlogs, and upcoming webinars, visit DanMickle.com.

Also, visit MentalCast.com for the latest episode of The MentalCast podcast.

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IGMT by Dan Mickle and 717 Soul, LLC | 185 Newberry Commons #298, Etters PA 17070 USA

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